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“The Journey Part 2” : The Promise and Five Embryos
We never expected our road to parenthood to look this way; uneven, aching and constantly interrupted by the unexpected. We had always wanted children, always pictured a house filled with little voices and laughter, instead we had a house with three voices, that yes, laughed of course, but also had many other expressions of feelings as well: yelling, crying and silence. Peyton has always been more than enough for us; however, underneath the joy of being his mom and dad, there was quiet suffering.
I (Ashley) have been living with chronic pain for years. Rheumatoid arthritis had stiffened some of my joints and settled in the knuckles of my hands like an unrelenting storm. Before this diagnosis, I would be extremely fatigued, drained even, and couldn’t get out of bed sometimes. It was depressing to say the least. No one understood! The unhelpful advice and/or lectures were hurtful, and I felt all alone for years. I lost friends because of my inability to leave the house. On good days when I felt OK, I felt like I had to play catch up with my personal responsibilities and duties to my home and family. Even today I find it hard to go go go and am still met with advice or questions. Relo is such a busy body, and I refuse to try and keep up with him anymore. I must prioritize my energy and know my limits. While I feel so much better than I did in the past, I still get fatigued and hurt, so I’m careful about where I spend my time and where I pour my energy. That has offended a few people for some reason, but I have learned to let them feel all their uncomfortable feelings without me feeling responsible for them. Every morning was a battle, and still is sometimes. Sometimes just getting out of bed requires more energy than I have but I do it. I get out of bed and take my time getting ready for the day. I smile, I work, I handle business and no one would ever know the pain I am in. Some say that’s fake; friends say, “Girl, you’re so strong,” some call that resilient. I call it life. This pain can’t control me. I refuse to go back to that! With all of that, Relo, too, has suffered in silence, often smiling through the pain. We don’t necessarily like being the center of attention. I know that is hard to believe considering, Relo is the current Mr. Ponca City. I admit he is far more social than I am; but to the core, he is quite the silent type. He is very observant and kind of shy. A little mysterious, even, until you get to know him. So, opening up about all of this has taken us both out of our comfort zone.
Last month I (Relo) revealed I had been diagnosed with a benign brain tumor in 2016. This is not a tumor affecting the brain tissue or structure, but a tumor on my pituitary gland that is located on the brain. It has disrupted my hormonal balance, affecting everything from my moods to my energy levels. The emotional whiplash became a normal part of our lives at one point. While this is not something that can kill me per se, it is very serious and can cause other major issues. The pituitary gland is often called the “master gland” because it plays a vital role in regulating countless bodily functions by producing and releasing important hormones. It directly influences other hormone-producing glands as well, essentially affecting the entire body! Growth, metabolism, reproduction and the body’s response to stress are all affected. This gland is responsible for many hormones like Adrenocorticotropic hormone, which stimulates the adrenal glands to produce cortisol that helps regulate blood pressure, respond to stress and manage sugar, fat and protein metabolism. Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) plays a crucial role in reproduction, affecting egg release in women and sperm production in men. Growth hormone regulates growth in childhood and adolescence and helps maintain body structure and metabolism in adults. Luteinizing hormone (LH) works with FSH to regulate reproductive functions. Prolactin stimulates breast milk production (lactation). Thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH) controls the production of hormones by the thyroid gland, which affects metabolism and growth. Antidiuretic hormone (ADH) helps kidneys manage water levels in the body. And Oxytocin plays a role in reproductive functions, including childbirth and breastfeeding. There are more, I’m sure.
This gland also regulates other glands and controls the release of hormones from the thyroid, adrenal and gonads. This gland is an important part of the endocrine system. I can go on and on. The point is: It is important and when there is a tumor growing on it people can experience crazy side effects like bone issues, headaches, issues with your heart due to excessive growth hormonal imbalances, skin and hair issues, kidney and eye problems. I am thankful to have effective treatment for this condition and the best doctor anyone could ask for! Pretty intense; us both dealing with our own issues, while maintaining the best we could…or can!
We carry the invisible weight of medical challenges that sometimes lead to mental health struggles and try desperately to hold onto one another through it all, the three of us. Our marriage, though rooted in Christ, and deep love, was tested a few times over the last 14 years. Shocker. Communication often broke down. We always loved each other, but sometimes didn’t know how to reach across the chaos or bed and say it or show it. Despite it all, the dream of conceiving a child hadn’t faded. From 2015 to 2023, we completed fertility treatments with Mercy Hospital, Bennett Fertility, Integris and MCRM and the cycle of hope, heartbreak and resilience repeated. Every time Ashley’s cycle started, it brought with it a fresh wave of grief often leading to Ashley questioning her faith. And still, we pressed on, clinging to faith, clinging to one another and clinging to the belief that God was still writing our story.
We celebrated every small win: a follicle that grew, a test result that looked promising, a phone call that didn’t bring bad news. There were times when Ashley produced multiple perfectly sized eggs from a single round of treatment, and we were told she’d birth multiples due to how many were present and the quality and size and due to the specific procedures that were done to make it happen! But it never happened. Over time, disappointment became the norm. After a few rounds of testing, this time focusing on me, doctors finally confirmed that IVF was our only path forward.
We began researching clinics and settled on one in Tulsa that came highly recommended. It is actually considered the best in Oklahoma. From the start, something didn’t sit right with Ashley. The environment was beautiful. White marble, gold fixtures, chandeliers everywhere. This clinic screamed ASHLEY. She followed her intuition and searched again, prayed for direction and found a clinic where she felt peace. In the fall of 2024, we began the IVF process. The hormone shots, pills, ultrasounds and daily regimen became a second full-time job. Ashley’s body, already taxed by chronic pain, struggled to keep up. Her energy plummeted, pain flared and emotionally she wavered between hope and despair. All while presenting to the world a perfect, unbothered face.
After a million shots and pills, the day of the egg retrieval came. Seven eggs were fertilized and of those, five were viable. Five chances. Five tiny hopes. In November, two embryos were transferred, and we waited with bated breath, tiptoeing emotionally, afraid to believe too much, afraid not to. Peyton often crashed out emotionally due to the uncertainty, inconsistency and inattention from us, his parents. What a time… When the results came back negative, it was like being hit by a slow-moving train as there had been no signs of implantation. Nothing. Ashley sat at the kitchen table unable to cry, just numb. And I sat outside in my truck drinking my custom-brewed Mr. Ponca City beer (Vortex) as tears fell silently. Peyton? Thankfully he was at Fernando’s house, his best bud.
Our doctors believed Ashley’s rheumatoid arthritis had caused inflammation that made it difficult for the embryos to attach and that realization hurt even more for Ashley. She thought “my own body, once again, was the barrier.” Meanwhile, Peyton was unraveling. He had seen us disappear into stress and sterile clinics while appointments overlapped with his activities and education. We were always distracted, always tired. His grades and motivation slipped, and he got into trouble at school. He started being rude, making unwise decisions and his communication with us changed. He didn’t feel secure enough to say, “I’m not okay.” Crazy. Two children’s therapists. Two real human beings going through it with their child! This brought on snarky comments, and lots of judgement. None of this was helpful, it just made us feel more alone as a family. The comments, made in love of course, about our priorities and doing too much but not enough for our kid and parenting advice was the icing on the cake. We felt like we were losing everything at once. One thing remained; there were three embryos left. Three souls. But what would it cost us to try again? What would it cost Peyton?
I (Ashley) wrestled with guilt. I blamed myself, even though I wasn’t the one with the infertility diagnosis anymore. Still, I felt my body had failed to nurture life, and I somehow wasn’t woman enough, good enough or worthy enough to have *this* desire of my heart. I questioned God again and again, asking if He even heard me. Was this punishment? Was I doing something wrong? This time, something was different. I may have questioned God, but I never questioned my faith in God and instead of questioning my faith, I dug in deeper. I prayed harder; I asked for help; I let my guard down; and I stopped worrying about a presentation. No more smiling through the pain. What you saw is what you got. I (Relo) dug in deeper too. I sought God harder than ever. I’ve read my Bible more than I ever have before. I’ve never been a crier, but there have been times I’d just cry over its pages. My heart changed and softened the more I pursued God, rather than perusing personal desires. Our prayers changed. We prayed not just for a baby, but for clarity, for strength, for healing, for peace regardless of any specific outcome. And slowly, peace began to bloom. Hadn’t we always asked for a child to love? To raise? To call our own? And here he was, even when we felt broken, even when we didn’t believe we deserved the miracle. We were living with our answered prayer all along! We even chose his name before we even met him. Before he was even born! We had begged God to fill our arms, and He had. Reminding us of the big responsibility of raising and nurturing the child we have! Were we wrong to move forward? Should we stop what we started?
We stopped playing the blame game and let the guilt go and saw ourselves for who we are: two people who fought hard, loved deeply and sacrificed endlessly. I (Ashley) saw Relo as the man who never gave up on me, who held me down when I couldn’t walk or get out of bed, who whispered, “You’re enough,” when I didn’t believe it. Realizing we’ve already been given what we asked for brought some peace, but my desire to carry a child still burned and we weren’t giving up. We were just choosing to see the full picture and choosing to recognize the answered prayers, the fulfilled promise: parenthood. The decision still loomed. Three embryos. Do we try again? Face another round of injections, hormones, possible rejection? Risk pushing Peyton further away? Or do we protect the peace we’ve fought so hard to find? At that time, we didn’t have an answer. Not yet. And for once, the silence didn’t scare us. We knew the road ahead might still hold pain. But we also knew we would walk it together as a family hand in hand, hearts open and faith intact. With God, therapy and tremendous support from our close friends and family, the three of us have been carried. Our family isn’t just made in waiting rooms or test tubes. It’s made in late-night conversations, in Ashley and Peyton’s late-night ice cream trips, in forgiveness, in resilience, in love. Three embryos remain. Three decisions. One family.
To be continued…
If you or someone you know needs mental health assistance of any kind, please feel free to reach out to your local community mental health agency, call or text 988 the suicide and crisis lifeline or call 911 for immediate emergencies.
Take care of yourselves, and each other,
-Ashley Adams and Relo Adams,
Mr. Ponca City
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