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August Stew On That
by Rachel Stewart
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I just saw an article that they are considering making women register for the draft. And to that I say … um … excuse me??? (I don’t know who “they” is. I didn’t read the article, just skimmed the title and immediately panicked.) Listen – I absolutely love everything the suffragettes did for me, and our society as a whole. Beautiful work, five stars, kudos to each and every one of them. But, respectfully, put me back in the kitchen.
War?! I literally cry at every single inconvenience as minor as having to get gas when it’s windy outside. I cried because I got jury duty. I don’t do well under pressure, in fact, I crumble. If I was to be caught and questioned about intel, they would just have to say “I’ll let you play with this really cute puppy if you tell us what you guys are planning” DONE. Signed, sealed, delivered. Now, if they needed me to find out the name of the enemy’s ex-girlfriend, his childhood home address, his GPA in high school … then I’m your girl, but anything beyond internet sleuthing, I’m out. Plus, I don’t look good in camo. It washes me out, and the uniform looks like it’s made out of scratchy material (do they make it in 100% organic cotton?) and I don’t think they offer crop tops, and my hair doesn’t look good in a slicked-back bun. Don’t get me started on if the enemy has a nice jawline and looks like Matt Damon in Saving Private Ryan! I would literally switch sides to be his girlfriend. What if I get a headache? Or my tummy hurts? And I don’t want to be rude but I really don’t like sharing living quarters, I need a fan, lavender essential oil lightly spritzed on my bedding, a face mask, 4-7 pillows, and my favorite TV show playing in the background to be able to fall asleep, and I can’t share a room with a boy, my husband wouldn’t love that. So, in conclusion, I’ll let you strong, muscular, smart, good looking men handle the wars. On a serious note, I have never once in my life been as selfless as military members are, and I have the utmost respect for those who are willing to leave their families and give the ultimate sacrifice for our safety and freedoms. They are owed a great debt of gratitude that words can hardly encompass.
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